


Mercy Me, I'm Falling Free

by taqarat



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Adam tries to figure out how to help Ronan, Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-02-13
Packaged: 2019-10-23 17:46:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17687990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taqarat/pseuds/taqarat
Summary: God, Adam wanted to help him. He wanted so badly to take some of the hurt away, but he was so bad at this type of thing. Useless really. It wasn’t fair that Ronan, in contrast, was so good at it. He always seemed to know exactly what to do when Adam was stressed or angry or hurt, even before Adam knew he was feeling those things.And what had Gansey’s advice been? Hold him? That didn’t seem likely. Ronan looked as approachable as a porcupine. He’d probably shove Adam off if he got too close. But, he had to try something. He couldn’t just watch him be miserable any longer.





	1. One

Adam scratched at his eyebrow with what he hoped was a clean part of his hand. He was splotched with grease and dirt from the cars he’d been working on, but he didn’t have the time or patience to search for a clean rag. He still had an hour left on his shift, but if he could finish this last car quickly, he might be able to get out early and see Ronan all the sooner. It had been four days and he was missing him more than he’d ever admit.

 

He scratched again distractedly as he leaned into the hood of the crappy old chevy, but it didn’t help. And again. Finally, he stood up straight and looked around. Something wasn’t right. Two other mechanics were working at the other end of the shop, joking and listening to bad country music. Boyd could just be seen in his office nearby, doing paperwork. Everything appeared perfectly normal. Still, Adam couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off. If Cabeswater was still around he’d suspect it was the forest trying to get his attention, but that pull had been sadly silent for over a month.

 

His attention was drawn to the closed man door that led to the parking area. Had someone rang the bell on it? If they had Boyd would’ve heard it for sure, even if Adam had missed it somehow. He went up to it anyway. The feeling wouldn’t go away.

 

The knob was cold in his hand as he tugged the door open then stood back a foot. A hard rain was falling and it threatened to blow in and get him soaked. There was no one in view, just pond-size puddles on the wet asphalt and the dark, dripping trees beyond. Adam was mesmerized for a moment by the sheets of rain that could be seen in the glow of the single streetlight. He stuck his head out timidly, trying to minimize how wet he would get and was shocked to find Ronan slouching against the wall beside the door. His chin was down against his chest and he looked soaked to the bone.

 

“Ronan! What are you doing here?”

 

Ronan turned his body towards him, still leaning his shoulder and head on the wall. His eyes were bloodshot, his nose red from the cold. “Adam,” he croaked, barely more than a whisper.

 

“Jesus. You’re soaked. Come in here. Get out of the rain.”

 

Ronan straightened up and took a faltering step towards the door. Shock and concern coursed through Adam. He stepped closer and wrapped an arm around Ronan’s waist, guiding him in. Ronan slumped against the wall inside as Adam closed the door and glanced around to see if the other mechanics had noticed. Everyone was still working. He turned back towards Ronan trying to discern what was wrong. He looked like he could barely stand without help. Was he drunk? Sick?

 

“What’s the matter? What’s going on?” he asked quietly.

 

Ronan just stared at the ground, tugging fiercely at the leather bracelets on his wrist. “I can’t. I’m sorry… I can’t..”

 

Adam stepped closer and tried to get him to look him in the eyes. "What happened?”

 

Ronan just shook his head. He was trembling all over.

 

“Here. Let’s sit you down.” He took Ronan’s elbow to guide him over to a bench but instead Ronan just slid down the wall and sat on the concrete. He folded his arms over his knees and buried his face there. Adam tried to stifle his panic.

 

He squatted down in front of him so that he wouldn’t be overheard and searched frantically for the right thing to say or do. “Tell me what’s going on. Tell me what you need.”

 

Ronan just sniffed loudly and continued to shake. Adam waited, trying to take long, even breathes to calm himself and hopefully Ronan too. Finally, Ronan spoke. “I can’t take it. It hurts. It hurts so much. I can’t make it stop. I don’t know how to make it stop.” His voice was so anguished it broke Adam’s heart.

 

Realization started to settle in. Adam knew Ronan had ‘bad spells’ as Gansey had put it in the past. But Adam had never seen it firsthand before. He’d seen Gansey worry, had heard stories of Ronan drinking and racing. He knew the night horrors from his dreams were a direct manifestation of Ronan’s anguish in the past.

 

It shouldn’t be a surprise really. It had been over a month since his mother had died; since Noah had disappeared; since Gansey had died and been resurrected. And Ronan had been sad at times since then. He’d grieved with his brothers. He’d cried at the small service they held for his mom. Kicked over a bunch of shit in one of the barns when they realized Noah wasn’t coming back. But none of it was like this. Not this raw, exposed grief. Adam scrambled to figure out what to do. 

 

“Where’s Gansey?” he asked and immediately felt bad for taking the coward’s route. But Adam was completely at a loss and Gansey would know what to do.

 

“He left yesterday for D.C. A thing for his mom.”

 

Shit. “What have you been doing?”

 

“Just driving around.”

 

Adam’s heart sank. It had been pouring all day and picturing Ronan out there in his state scared him.

 

“I was safe,” Ronan said, seeming to sense Adam’s worry. “I know I can’t….with Matthew and Opal…”

 

Of course. Ronan’s past coping mechanisms were off the table now. If he did something reckless, he was endangering the lives of those he had dreamed. No wonder he was spiraling. He had no tools anymore for how to cope.

 

“Okay. It’s okay. I’m here with you now. Let me just talk to Boyd. Give me five minutes and I’ll take you home.”

 

“I’m sorry, Adam. I know you can’t take off any more work. I just didn’t know what to do.”

 

“It’s okay. Just stay here. I’ll be right back.”

 

Adam stood and turned to find Boyd hovering just a dozen feet away, easily within earshot. Boyd hesitated a moment then motioned for Adam to follow him into his office.

 

“Is that the one that lost his mom?”

 

Adam nodded. He was relieved that he’d been honest with Boyd when he’d missed a few shifts right after everything went down. Partially honest at least. He’d left out some significant details.

 

“Is he going to be okay?”

 

“I don’t know,” Adam answered honestly. “I need to take him home. I can come back before 7:00 tomorrow and finish this last one up. It’s not getting picked up until Monday anyway.”

 

“No. Just go. I can finish it up. Go take care of your friend.”

 

Adam just pressed his lips together and nodded. He turned to go but at the door to the office he paused. “Thank you,” he murmured. 

 

They walked to the BMW together. Ronan was hunched and stiff in the rain, clumsy in his movements. It was glaringly different from his usual grace and ease. Adam took the drivers seat, cranked the heat and headed for the Barns. Ronan slumped against the window with his eyes closed and Adam didn’t press him to talk.

 

Intellectually, he knew what was going on, but that didn’t help him understand it. Ronan experienced life on a different level than Adam. He _felt_ things. Everything. Intensely. There was no shutting down those feelings, no ignoring them. Ronan had to express them, in his movements, his actions, his choices. His dreams.

 

Adam on the other hand had always tamped his feelings down. Sadness or anger, if expressed, had only earned him more hurt growing up. Since then, emotions just slowed him down. He didn’t have time for jealousy or longing or regret so when those emotions crept up, which happened much more often than he’d admit, he boxed them away. 

 

Ronan’s pain was a foreign thing. On the drive Adam tried to reason out a proper response. In all that he’d learned about Ronan, what would make him feel better? What would Adam want if he felt like that? Adam’s supposedly brilliant brain, his inherent problem-solving mind, didn’t come up with one single idea. It made Adam so angry with himself. Ronan had come to him. He wanted Adam to help him, believed he could, and Adam was failing so badly.

 

When they pulled up to the Barns Adam killed the engine and turned to look at Ronan. He was curled up in the seat, making himself seem so much smaller than he was. He looked tired, and thin, and cold. 

 

“When did you sleep last?” Ronan didn’t respond. “Or eat?” Still nothing.

 

Well, cold he could fix. That was something at least.

 

"Come on. Let’s get you into some dry clothes,” he offered quietly. Ronan seemed to appreciate having some direction. They headed into the house together and Ronan went straight upstairs.

 

Adam found Opal asleep in an armchair in the living room. He left her and went in the kitchen and called Gansey. 

 

“What do I do?” he asked after explaining Ronan’s current state.

 

Gansey heaved a long sigh. “God. I don’t know. He’d barely tolerate my presence when he was like this. He mostly went out and raced or drank himself numb by himself in his room.”

 

“Well he can’t do that stuff anymore. There must be something else I can do. Some way I can help.”

 

Gansey paused. “Sometimes…. usually when he was coming back up from the worst stuff .. he’d let me hold him. Sometimes.… sometimes that helped.”

 

Adam was silent picturing his two lonely, hurting friends holding each other in that big, cold warehouse. His heart broke a little.

 

“How long does it usually last?”

 

“It varies. Sometimes just a night. Other times… Well other times it felt like weeks.”

 

“Okay.” Adam sighed, resignedly.

 

Gansey was silent for a long moment. The line was silent. Wherever Gansey was, he was alone. “You’ve got this.”

 

Adam shook his head and looked at the ceiling, tears in his eyes. He was grateful that no one could see any of it.

 

 

They said their goodbyes and Adam, despite Gansey’s reassurances, felt as useless as ever. He trudged up the stairs and found Ronan in his bedroom. He was looking out the dark window, his shoulders hunched up by his ears, his leather bracelets at his mouth. He was in dry clothes at least. Adam knocked lightly on the door frame and Ronan turned. Tension visibly thrummed through his entire body. Misery was etched across his face.

 

God, Adam wanted to help him. He wanted so badly to take some of the hurt away, but he was so bad at this type of thing. Useless really. It wasn’t fair that Ronan, in contrast, was so good at it. He always seemed to know exactly what to do when Adam was stressed or angry or hurt, even before Adam knew he was feeling those things. 

 

And what had Gansey’s advice been? Hold him? That didn’t seem likely. Ronan looked as approachable as a porcupine. He’d probably shove Adam off if he got too close. But, he had to try something. He couldn’t just watch him be miserable any longer.

 

Adam took a few tentative steps toward Ronan who watched him grimly. He stopped about a foot away, losing his nerve. An agonizingly awkward moment stretched between them but just as the panic was about to overwhelm him, Ronan closed the distance. He took the last step and let his head fall on Adam’s shoulder, his arms hanging loosely at his side. Finally, finally, Adam’s instincts kicked in. He wrapped his arms around Ronan, one hand on his back - _I will support you_ \- the other cupped around his neck - _I will protect you_. Ronan relaxed minutely into it, wrapping his arms around Adam’s waist and allowing Adam to support some of his weight. A lot of his weight. He was heavy but Adam didn’t mind. He was so grateful to be helping and so desperate to ease some of his pain that he relished the strain. Ronan was still shaking a bit but he could feel tiny bits of the tension slip away the longer he held him.

 

After awhile Adam released him and tugged him toward the bed. His arms were tired and he couldn’t get Ronan properly warm standing barefoot in a drafty bedroom. He pulled back the covers, pushed Ronan in, then climbed in afterwards.

 

They faced each other under the heavy comforter. Adam took Ronan’s cold hands between his and brought them to his mouth. He breathed warm air on them and pressed his lips to the calloused skin. Ronan watched him silently.

 

“What can I do?” Adam asked quietly.

 

Ronan leaned in and kissed him softly. Adam returned it somewhat chastely then pulled away. Ronan kissed him again, needier, hungrier. As tempting as it was to reciprocate, Adam held himself back. “Hey. Umm. I don’t know.. if this is the right time for that,” he said gently.

 

Ronan squeezed his eyes shut. “Please, Adam. Just make me feel something else. I need to feel something else.”

 

Adam hesitated, studying Ronan’s face. It felt weird to let the platonic physical reassurance he’d finally just stumbled into cross over to something more intimate. And Adam would never have prompted it on his own. But, Ronan was asking him directly and it _was_ one way Adam could help. He reached out and cupped Ronan’s face in his hand. Ronan closed his eyes slowly and leaned into it. It was that peaceful moment that convinced Adam.

 

Adam was still determined to go slow, giving Ronan plenty of opportunity to stop if he needed to. Or change his mind. And, if this was Ronan’s only escape from his inner turmoil, Adam wanted to make it last as long as possible. 

 

So he kissed him. He kissed Ronan’s mouth and his furrowed brow eased into a look of wonder. He kissed his neck and the grave silence eased into hitched breaths and soft recitations of Adam’s name. He kissed his collarbone and his trembling hands eased into soft caresses. He kissed his chest and his coiled muscles eased into pliant limbs on the mattress.

 

They’d been intimate many times in the month since that first kiss, but it had always been hungry, and fast, a bit frantic. It would have been embarrassing how quickly it tended to be over if Ronan hadn’t been just as eager and inexperienced. Tonight was different; slow and deliberate; soft and reverent. This was a new type of power and wonder. Learning every inch of Ronan’s body; learning every little thing that made his breath hitch; taking him apart, piece by piece.


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I've never seen you like that before,” Adam admitted quietly.
> 
> Ronan huffed a deep breath and ran a hand over the back of his head. “I know. I used to try to hide it from you. I didn’t want you to see me like that.”
> 
> “And now?”
> 
> “Now, I think I want you to see. All of it. Even the shitty stuff. I need you to.” Ronan paused and chewed on his bracelets for a moment. Adam waited. “It freaked you out, though.” He said that last part with a hint of accusation and worry in his voice.

Blue waved goodbye at Henry in his ridiculous car then tiptoed over the puddles in the gravel drive. She steeled her nerves before knocking softly on the front door of the old farmhouse. The rain from the day before had finally stopped and the early morning air was brisk and clean.

 

She only waited a few moments before Adam opened the door with a finger against his lips, warning her to keep her voice down. She came in silently and hung up her coat and one of the several scarves she was wearing.

 

“Thanks for coming,” Adam said quietly. He looked tired and worried but that was sort of standard Adam. Still, he had sounded pretty distraught when he called the night before.

 

“How is he?”

 

“Asleep now so, that’s good I guess.”

 

“Yeah, I guess.” She heaved a worried sigh. “God Adam, I'm not sure if this is such a great idea. He barely tolerates me on a good day.”

 

“Oh please. He loves you and you both know it.”

 

Blue was pleased at that although she tried to hide it with a scowl, channeling Ronan’s way of dealing with a compliment. “Still. What am I supposed to do with him all day?”

 

“Just try to distract him, I guess. He just… he needs help pulling himself out of his head and I have this shift at the factory.”

 

“Ok. Well, what have you been doing? What has worked so far?”

 

“Er… well…” Adam’s ears turned pink and he suddenly wouldn’t meet her eyes. 

 

“Ah. I see. Forget I asked.”

 

“No.” Adam’s brow furrowed. Blue was ready to let the subject drop but Adam seemed adamant to get something out. “It’s not like that. It wasn’t…. creepy like it sounds. It was just…I didn’t…” he trailed off obviously at a loss for words but still troubled.

 

Blue watched him silently for a moment. "Hey. It doesn’t sound creepy. Sure if you were using his fragile state of mind just to get in his pants that would be creepy. But you’re not that guy. I’d never think you were that guy.”

 

Adam sighed and lifted his eyes finally. He pressed his lips together in an almost smile and gave a quick nod.

 

“I think I’ll leave that method to you though,” Blue went on a little more lightly. “Does he have any hobbies? Art? Music? Sports?”

 

“Ummm…he used to play tennis? And Irish music right? Didn’t Gansey say that?" He glanced at his watch. "Shit. I've gotta go. Do whatever you think is right and call me if you need me to come back. I really shouldn’t miss any more work but I will if he needs me to.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Thanks again.”

 

Blue made her way into the kitchen and was grateful to find a full pot of coffee on. She poured herself a mug and spent the next 20 minutes poking around at the dreamt appliances and oddities that made up the Lynch home. Ronan eventually appeared, shockingly endearing in his sleep mussed state.

 

“Maggot,” he greeted. He tried to hide his reaction to her presence but she saw the flicker of surprise cross his face.

“Shithead,” she replied.

 

He poured himself some coffee then reached out and topped hers off.

 

“I don’t need a babysitter,” he grumbled.

 

“Good. I stopped babysitting when I was 15. Not my thing.”

 

Ronan took several sips of coffee and eyed her warily. She knew he was trying to be intimidating and she refused to let it get to her.

 

Finally, softer, he said, “I'm better today. You don’t have to stick around if you don’t want to.”

 

She turned halfway away from him and traced some of the scars on the old wood table with her finger. “I do actually. Henry dropped me off and Adam just took off in your car. Looks like we’re stuck here together.” Henry _had_ offered to pick her back up at any point, making a big deal about her safety being solo with Ronan and her shocking lack of self preservation. But she was going to hold on to that card until she needed it.

 

Ronan took a deep breath then set down his coffee and turned toward the counter. “Hungry?” he asked over his shoulder.

 

“Starved. But your fridge is empty. I already checked.”

 

Ronan smirked at her. ”You just don’t know where to look.” He opened the breadbox on the counter and pulled out a large loaf of soft white bread. He closed it, glanced at her then opened it again. A new loaf was waiting. Then he opened the fridge and did the same thing to a bin on the door that said ‘eggs’.

 

Blue was incredibly impressed but tried not to show it too much. “If I open the oven will I find a whole turkey dinner in there?”

 

“Nah. Mom like to cook too much. Dad wouldn’t take that from her. Just the staples replenish.”

 

That gave Blue an idea. “She cooked huh? What kind of stuff?”

 

“Everything. She was really good. God I miss it.” He went over to the bookshelf in the corner and pulled out a book with a faded blue, cloth cover. “She kept all her recipes in here.” He placed it on the table in front of her and set about cooking the eggs.

 

The book fell open with hardly any effort, the binding soft and pliable. Every page appeared to have handwritten notes in various ink colors. Blue flipped from recipe to recipe. “Ronan….”

 

“Hmm?” he grunted.

 

“Ronan…. this is.”

 

“What?” he asked, a little more exasperated.

 

She finally looked up at him and tried to focus on getting words out. “This is a treasure. Seriously. This is like a… a scrapbook of your family’s life. Look. Look at this. ‘Peanut butter pie. Matthew’s 6th birthday. He ate 4 slices.’ Then there are dates listed after that - a dozen at least. And here, ‘scalloped potatoes, Christmas eve 2006. Niall said it reminds him of Ireland.’”

 

Blue continued to flip through the pages and Ronan came and watched over her shoulder. There were other notes too; measurements adjusted; ingredients switched; whole recipes crossed out.

 

At some point Ronan went back to the stove. He had yet to comment on it all but Blue knew better than to push him to process it out loud.

 

“Look at this one. ‘Mint cake, made for Ronan’s friend Gansey’.”

 

Ronan huffed a small laugh. “God, he loved that cake."

 

“Friend is in quotation marks. Is there something I should know?” she said in a teasing tone.

 

“Please,” he scoffed. “Besides, mom didn’t even know I'm gay.”

 

“Mmmmhmm," Blue hummed with an exaggerated sarcastic tone.

 

Ronan plated the eggs and toast and clunked two dishes down on the table loudly. He sat down next to her while simultaneously shoveling a huge forkful into his mouth.

 

Blue started to eat her own eggs. They were surprisingly really, really good. 

 

Ronan didn’t say anything until his plate was clean. He was hunched over his dish as he turned his head to eye her discerningly. “You think she knew?”

 

“I don’t know." She showed him the page. “That makes it look like it, doesn’t it? There are other dates listed, too. She made it for him a lot.” She shrugged one shoulder. “Makes me think she liked him, liked you two together. That she would’ve supported you if you had ever gotten a chance to tell her.”

 

Ronan nodded thoughtfully then slid the book over to where he could flip through it himself.

 

Blue cleared the plates and rinsed them, letting Ronan browse and remember. After a few minutes she went back to peer over his shoulder. “Let’s make something.” 

 

“You can cook?” he asked.

 

“I can follow a recipe. Cooking as therapy is big in my house. Come on, it could be fun. What about that one there?" She motioned to the page he’d been stuck on for the past several minutes.

 

Ronan shook his head and Blue was momentarily disappointed. But, before she could form another argument he started flipping further into the book. When he found what he was looking for he slapped the page. “This one.”

 

Blue peered closer at the book. Lasagna with meat sauce. “Yeah?” she asked.

 

Ronan nodded thoughtfully. “My brothers are coming next weekend. If I practice all week maybe I can get it right and make it for them. As a surprise. It was Matthew’s favorite.”

 

“Let’s do it.”

 

****

 

 

It was getting dark by the time Adam drove back up the winding driveway to the Barns. He was thinking again about the safe little boxes he kept his emotions carefully contained in. He was thinking of the wild mess of Ronan’s emotions that spilled over everyone and everything around him. He was wondering which was healthier in the long run and how improbable the two of them were as a couple. And yet, it worked. 

 

As he cleared the trees on the last bend he was surprised to find the Fisker and the Camaro parked in front of the house. His heart started to race. If Ronan had gotten worse, Blue may have called them for backup. He jogged up the front steps with his heart thumping. As he opened the front door he was greeted by a delicious smell and voices drifting from down the hall. His worries disappeared as he made his way to the kitchen doorway. Blue was sitting on the counter her head on Gansey’s shoulder standing on one side of her. Opal, stood on a chair on the other side of her holding her hand. Henry had his phone out, recording Ronan pulling something out of the oven. Ronan, his back to Adam, was telling Henry exactly how he felt about being on video. His words were crude and colorful but his voice was light.

 

As Ronan turned to place the dish on the counter he caught sight of Adam. His usual scowl fell away and a soft, surprised smile took over. Henry was still filming and he let out an obnoxious, ‘ _awww_ ’.

 

“Shut the fuck up, Cheng,” Ronan huffed but his eyes were still on Adam. He felt his own smile spread embarrassingly across his face.

 

The rest of the gang finished cooking and setting the table while Adam showered. Then they all sat and ate together. It was delicious. Ronan kept watching him, obviously pleased that Adam liked it. Adam kept watching back, so relieved to see Ronan back to his old self. He wasn’t sure if it was their night together, or cooking with Blue, or just the natural progression of things. Whatever it was, Adam was grateful.

 

It was late by the time Gansey and Blue and Henry left. Adam hovered on the porch as Ronan saw them out. He wasn’t sure if they would talk about how Ronan had been the day before. He felt like maybe they should, but wasn’t quite sure how to broach it.

 

Ronan bumped his shoulder as he came back in and Adam followed him into the kitchen, stopping in the doorway to lean on the door jamb.

 

“Spit it out, Parrish,” Ronan grumbled as he made his way over to the sink.

 

Adam rolled his eyes, but he waited until Ronan turned around and leaned against the counter across from him.

 

“I've never seen you like that before,” Adam admitted quietly.

 

Ronan huffed a deep breath and ran a hand over the back of his head. “I know. I used to try to hide it from you. I didn’t want you to see me like that.”

 

“And now?”

 

“Now, I think I want you to see. All of it. Even the shitty stuff. I need you to.” Ronan paused and chewed on his bracelets for a moment. Adam waited. “It freaked you out, though.” He said that last part with a hint of accusation and worry in his voice.

 

Adam paused.

 

“Don’t lie,” Ronan warned.

 

Adam let out a frustrated little huff. “Yeah, a little. I just…. I didn’t want to screw it up.”

 

”It wasn’t a fucking math problem.”

 

“Exactly. I'm good at math problems.”

 

Ronan scoffed and looked away with a scowl. “Sorry to inconvenience you…"

 

“Stop. God, Ronan. You can’t ask me to be honest and then criticize me when I admit that I'm not perfect. This did freak me out. But, not because I don’t want to deal with it. It was hard for me to see you in such pain. It was hard because I didn’t have the foggiest idea how to make you feel better. This stuff isn’t… I'm not….” Adam paused, searching for the right words. “Look. I'm still figuring a lot of this stuff out but… I want to be the person that you come to when that happens again. I’m glad you don’t hide it from me anymore.”

 

Ronan nodded and Adam could tell that he was satisfied with his answer by the way the defensive hunch of his shoulders dropped away. Ronan turned away to wipe down the counter and after a moment, Adam came up behind him and wrapped his arms around his waist. It still felt a little bit awkward but he could almost see a version of himself in the future where reading Ronan, and physically comforting him, came as naturally to Adam as breathing. It was a version of himself he desperately wanted to see.

 

****

 

It wasn’t until nearly midnight that Adam let the last niggling worry come to the conscious part of his brain. After the kitchen was cleaned up and leftovers put away. After Opal had been put to bed with a story (which Adam had listened in on from the hallway). After he’d finished his reading for lit class. After a predictable squabble with Ronan -‘yes I really am doing homework on a Saturday night, Lynch.’ After Ronan had got a fire going in the fireplace and they’d both settled in on the worn, comfortable couch. After Adam was sleepy and relaxed enough to let some of the boxes in his brain creep open.

 

Adam was sitting on one end of the couch, turned sideways so that his bad ear was resting agains the back cushion, his feet in Ronan’s lap. Ronan, at the other end of the couch, was turned to face him, too. “Can I ask you about before? How you used to cope?” Adam hadn’t made the conscious decision to ask the question and yet there it was.

 

The answer came in the form of a nonchalant shrug, but Adam could see the wariness behind Ronan’s eyes.

 

“I know you drank sometimes. And raced.”

 

Ronan met his eyes as his only affirmation. Adam took a deep breath and surged forward with his real question. “…with Kavinsky.“

 

Ronan dropped his head to look at his hand twisting in his leather bracelets but didn’t deny it. Adam was embarrassed to ask but he was overcome with the need to know. He wasn’t jealous. Well, maybe he was a little but that wasn’t what was burning in his gut, driving this awkward conversation forward. It was something else. Something he couldn’t quite put a name to.

 

“Did you and he…. Did you two ever…. hook up?”

 

Adam expected Ronan to call him out on his jealousy. To make fun of his insecurities. Instead, quietly, he just said ‘no’.

 

“No?” Adam echoed, surprised.

 

“No,” Ronan confirmed and looked him in the eye for a moment, challenging him to find any dishonesty there. Then he looked back down and took a long, measured breath, clearly not done. Adam braced himself.

 

“We never did. But, he wanted to. He goaded me and pushed my buttons and sometimes…. sometimes I wanted it, too.”

 

“Is that why you’d go to him, when you felt like this?”

 

“That was part of it, I guess.”

 

Adam nodded solemnly, accepting this admission in a mature fashion. Let it sink in. Ronan was allowed to have wanted others in the past. He was allowed to be attracted to other people even now. Hell, they both had plenty of issues, this was hardly a scratch compared to the rest of their mutual scars.

 

But no…. it wasn’t just that. Adam wasn’t jealous of his past but he was suddenly sick to his stomach. Some emotion he couldn’t describe gripped him and he stood and turned to face the dark window. He couldn’t help but think back to the night before. What at the time had been tender and beautiful now felt tainted and wrong. He crossed his arms tightly across his chest and wished he’d never asked.

 

He didn’t hear Ronan come up behind him. “Adam,” he said hesitantly but didn’t touch him. Adam flinched away anyway. “Adam, it wasn’t the same. At all.”

 

And that was it, wasn’t it? Adam was momentarily grateful for Ronan seeing what his issue was when he couldn’t possibly put a name to it. That didn’t mean he believed him. 

 

He knew Ronan cared about him. He didn’t doubt the depth of his feelings anymore. But, Ronan coming to him last night, when he was at his lowest, and believing that Adam could make it better? That had felt like a huge step. And, Adam had felt last night that, despite his latent inadequacies, he had risen to the occasion. He’d let himself believe that he’d helped. Let himself be proud and satisfied. But, all day this nagging fear had cropped up. That Ronan had sought him out like he used to seek out Kavinsky. That he needed distraction and endorphins… that he’d used Adam.

 

He pressed his lips together, hard and sucked breath in through his nose noisily. He didn’t have anything to say, he just wished he didn’t feel so gut punched. This somehow hit him harder than he ever expected. Maybe he’d let himself believe that this relationship was deeper than that. That he was capable of being an equal partner. He might not have outrageously high moral standards but he did have pride.

 

“Adam. Please. Will you just look at me?” Adam reluctantly turned around but he stubbornly continued to stare at the floor. Ronan sighed and went on anyway. “Fuck. It wasn’t the same. You have to believe me……Before, when I was hurting, when I sought K out, I was angry and self destructive. Shit, you saw that night horror. That was from my fucking head and it tried to kill me. What I wanted from K was destructive too. I hated him and I hated me and somehow that made sense.

 

”This with you… it’s not like that. It’s….God, it’s the fucking opposite.”

 

Ronan’s voice was hoarse and pained, like it had been scraped out of his throat by force. Adam sympathized. Talking about this was miles from Ronan’s comfort zone. Adam chanced a glance up at his face. Ronan, in response took Adam’s hand.

 

“I have this mantra now when it gets bad. It’s stupid but… but I count on my fingers over and over. Opal, Matthew, Blue, Gansey, Adam. Opal, Matthew, Blue, Gansey, Adam. Opal, Matthew, Blue, Gansey….. Adam.”

 

Adam could barely look at Ronan’s face it was so wrecked. He stepped closer so that he didn’t have to. “I say it a thousand times, I picture your faces.” He raised his hands and cupped Adam’s face tenderly. He tilted his head until their foreheads touched.

 

“Last night… I wasn’t using you to escape the pain. I came to you to remind me of all I have. God, Adam, when I'm with you…. when I look at you and you look back…. that’s it. That’s all I need.”

 

Adam closed his eyes and let his forehead loll against Ronan’s. Why did he fell like he was going to cry? It felt like maybe the boxes in his head were too full. That maybe they were going to overflow and bleed into each other, out into the world. That maybe unpacking them, expressing some of the emotions inside, even the littlest bit, might not be the worst thing ever. Not with Ronan.

 

He took a few deep breaths. Then a few more. Ronan’s thumbs were gently stroking the sides of his neck in a comforting way. He was waiting patiently for Adam to be ready to reply. He always knew when Adam needed time.

 

“I don’t know what to say,” Adam eventually murmured. 

 

“Say you believe me,” Ronan replied, serious.

 

Adam nodded. Their foreheads were still touching, his eyes still closed.

 

“Say you’ll stop comparing this to that shitshow with Kavinsky.”

 

Adam nodded again.

 

“Say you’ll let me take you upstairs and get you back for last night,” Ronan continued in the same serious tone.

 

Adam pulled away just enough to see his face. “Get me back? What do you mean?”

 

Ronan’s face was a mask of mock seriousness. “I mean, Parrish, that you took fooling around to a whole new fucking level last night. I need to catch up.”

 

Adam had to look back down at the floor to hide his pleased smile. He was grateful that Ronan had backed away from the heavy part of the conversation. He needed some time to unpack the boxes. It was enough right now to know that he could.

 

He schooled his face until he could look at Ronan with the same mock seriousness. “You want me to teach you my moves, Lynch?”

 

Ronan’s sharp smile flickered across his face. “Fuck no. I’m going to figure out my own moves. And they’re going to be epic.”

 

“Are they now?”

 

“ Mmhmm. And I want you to lay there and take it patiently, like I did last night.”

 

Adam rolled his eyes. “Right. Like it was such a hardship for you.”

 

Ronan couldn’t hide his smile any longer so he buried it against Adam’s neck. “You have no fucking idea.”

 

“I guess I’ll find out.”

 

“Yeah. You will.” With that he grabbed Adam’s hand and pulled him towards the stairs.


End file.
